i think when we get to a certain age / maturity level (maturity, what's that again?), people are just never truly a hundred percent happy anymore. i don't know. we have our moments when we laugh until our sides hurt and we can't breathe, and we have moments when we are content, satisfied. but that one lingering thought always comes back - that one story everybody has that could break your heart. everybody has that someone, something, some place, some time that they can't let go of. can't move on from, can't forget about. that one thing that just won't leave your mind, no matter how "okay" things at the moment may be.
 you don't have to fall in love to fall to pieces. some of us have put things back together, some of us are still looking for all the little bits that seem to be scattered all over the place. either way, even when you do put it all together again, it's never really the same - the cracks remind us of the past, and no matter how much glue you use, you can still see all the little lines.

i'm thinking too much
i need to sleep.

before anybody says anything about ^ it's a song from faber drive k

my life lately has been bam bam bam productive - every moment i need to feel like i am accomplishing something, diminishing my to-do list by at least a little - or i get bummed out and i feel like i'm wasting my life. seriously. i actually now know what it feels like to be stressed. a month ago i didn't - i didn't give enough of a damn about anything to be stressed, ever. lately though i feel there is so much to do, no, so much i want to do, and not enough time to do it. it isn't so much the things i want to do, rather the fact that i know there isn't any way i can do it all, that stresses me out.

so i spent the last week or so moping - my mood has been down lately and when my mood is down i just want to sleep, or surf the internet unproductively. with all this time wastage my mood is even worse and now i am just in this continuous cycle of moping that i've put on loop. awful.

i really want to draw right now. i'm stuck in this rut where my artwork is limited to painting and drawing swirly shapes (http://twitpic.com/5ci7e) and i really want to try expanding that. i'm itching to do some photography since the weather is all nice and unvancouverlike these days, but work is preventing me from doing that. it's tempting to work less but being broke = i just applied to work at blenz, despite telling myself i'd never do the coffeeshop thing again.

(before anybody says anything like "you're not broke shut up how can you be broke when you work so much omg asdkfk wtf?!": okay there is this thing called "money i save" and this thing called "money i spend" and it is not the same thing .. i have a rule for myself where i save a certain amount of money per paycheck-cycle and the rest i spend and usually there is not much "rest" so therefore i am "broke" does that make sense? that amount is 250 if anyone's wondering and a paycheck-cycle thing is 2 weeks for those of you that .. don't work k stop asking now)

anyway so due to this moping i have quite a few overdue/simply incomplete assignments. i think i might do an all-nighter (haven't done that in a while) and try to get as much done as possible. tomorrow i'm having the day off school to help out at the elem track meet so i wont need huge amounts of brain power. i do have a six hour shift at work after though and i believe i'm closing again so that might be hellish, esp if the customers are difficult again like they were on tuesday. oh and i have to do infotech tomorrow night too .. okay maybe the allnighter isn't the best idea i think i'll try finishing up assignments by .. five? that's three hours of sleep.

i'm not really sure why i chose to blog. i feel burnt out these days, i really do. i'm not going to make this into some self-indulgent self-pitying whinefest but i am anticipating summer like you would not believe. i've been permanently grumpy and exhausted and to have an entire day to sleep without feeling guilty would be quite awesome.

i think i'm going to stop- i'm quite certain everyone's stopped reading at this point.

i wrote four (yes, four) lengthy, well thought out xanga posts - the first two on the same topic, the second two slight variations of said topic, only to delete them all.

i don't know if i'm scared of offending, scared of being judged, scared of disappointing, but i now realize i no longer have the courage it takes to blog anymore.
i don't know what happened to it, what happened to me. i want to write the way i used to - at first i thought i was too lazy, too busy, too tired .. now i realize i am all of those, but that isn't what it is

i'm simply too scared.

a year later and we're back at the start ..

i'm sorry.

inspired by twistori - i think this is pretty self explanatory.
what do you love, hate, think, believe, feel and wish?

i love fruit beyond the basic apple and banana- mangoes, strawberries, kiwis, pineapple.
i love furry little puppies, and big huge dogs that act like furry little puppies.
i love talking on the phone with a good friend all night- 3am drowsiness doesn't stop good conversation.
i love when you can find the perfect balance between busy and relaxation.
i love being excited, laughing, stupid inside jokes, and happy country music.
i love dancing inappropriately and making people feel awkward.
i love the combination of a bunch of friends, a silly mood, and photobooth.
i love shopping online - and browsing online but not buying anything.
i love getting letters birthday cards emails that are totally entirely pointless.
i love summertime- the weather, how each day blends into the next, going to the beach.

i hate waking up early, especially after only a few hours of sleep.
i hate going to chinese class - the fact that it starts at 930 on saturday morning doesn't help.
i hate people who judge before theyve heard the whole story ..
i hate not having plans on friday/ saturday/ whatever day of the week night!
i hate that everyone thinks i can't cook, or drive.
i hate that i can't cook, or drive.
i hate being addicted to a tv series, watching the whole thing, then realizing it was actually really lame.
i hate how lazy and incapable at life i am.
i hate waking up and realizing your alarm went off two hours ago.
i hate the smell of bleach or chlorine, and how i reek of it after mopping at work.

i think online summer school is SO much better than going to class everyday.
i think if you say you're going to call someone back, you should. otherwise don't say anything.
i think blogging takes dedication which i sadly do not have
i think the new facebook is as lame as hell and you seriously might as well switch to twitter
i think twitter is for the really narcissistic, or the really bored.
i think tea is awesome and coffee is alright but pop is really nasty.
i think grad planning is an extremely pointless course.
i think too many of us (myself included) let school and the school work we have define us.
i think derek's hair is really really creepy .. seriously cut it plz.
i think a sign of true friendship = silence without it being awkward.

i believe some things, you get one shot- but love is not one of them.
i believe that despite everything, life is actually kind of magical.
i believe that school isn't the most important thing out there, but neither is "having fun"
i believe therapy is a waste of money, and friends are a much cheaper alternative
i believe thomsing is totally incapable of teaching, seriously.
i believe i actually have no artistic ability whatsoever, despite my choice to take art HL next year.
i believe i have some of the most amazing people in my life.
i believe i do not deserve all these amazing people ..
i believe that when pulling all nighters, twitter and food are your best friends.
i believe everyone's stopped reading at this point.

i feel happy when the phone rings and certain names show up on the call display.
i feel excited when i think about being done with highschool and getting out of here ..
i feel tired when i'm wearing any sort of makeup, especially mascara.
i feel slightly stressed thinking about the amount of work i need to get done.
i feel like sometimes we take life too seriously - and sometimes, not seriously enough.
i feel cold almost always, probably due to a lack of sleep.
i feel guilty when i think about how i treat my parents, compared to how good they are to me.
i feel like i'm wasting my life, but i'm not sure if i actually care or not.
i feel giddy when i think about the weekend.
i feel like i understood myself better when i was younger - these days, i'm not sure anymore.

i wish there were an extra 20 hours to each day where we could just sleep.
i wish it were summer; or at lesat that the sun were out.
i wish i didnt have to go to class tomorrow, or the day after ..
i wish my legs weren't so short and my knees weren't so bumpy, ahaha.
i wish all the best + all the happiness in the world for all the people i care about.
i wish the next 16 years of my life are as blissful as the last 16 have been.
i wish i weren't so terrified of flying objects and deli meat.
i wish i had some real fears- like the future, or something worth worrying about.
i wish nobody would even think of drinking and driving.
i wish i could reconnect with some of the people i used to be close with, but drifted away from.

try doing this without thinking too much and see what you come up with :)

once again I debate between productivity and sleep- tonight, though, neither win: blogging does.

what advice would you give to the you you were a year ago, now that you have an additional year of life experience? i'm sorry to be throwing all these questions on you guys but i'm trying to blog less narcissistic-ly and give you guys something to think about to ..

i'm thinking back to my birthday last year- while it's only been a year, it seems like ages ago. that girl- the one who took her friends to aberdeen and jumped around hyper as anything, taking silly photobooth pictures and playing around in the arcade- i barely remember her anymore. i don't know. i don't know what happened. i don't know if i grew up, or if i lost her simply because i stopped making an effort to be chipper and slowly allowed myself to descend into a hole of self-pity and wallowing.

if i could tell her anything, i'd tell her how wise she was- how much wiser she is than the girl i am now. sure, she was more juvenille, immature, silly. but she understood something i seem to have forgotten- she understood the necessity for happiness. she understood what it meant to say "i can overcome this, because life will go on." she understood how to brush unhappiness aside and actively make things better.

sure, she didn't always know the difference between right and wrong. (not like i do now, although i probably have a better idea.) but she stuck to her morals- when she gave in, she did it because she believed she was doing the right thing, in some way or another. she respected her family. she respected her family a lot. and she respected the idea of an education.

she had this idea that one day she'd do something with her life. she didn't know what it was but she figured one day she'd do something and it'd make a difference. she had the idea that we were all placed on this earth for a reason; at least we all had the potential to do something- many of us simply chose not to.

she couldn't wait to grow up. she couldn't wait to start working, to start grade 10, to do all that. she managed to always find something to be excited about- i remember, that was her rule. "you can be depressed as you want to be, but if you have at least one thing you're excited about, everything is worth it", she used to say.

she didn't like going to class. she didn't like getting up early. she didn't like studying. she did it all anyway, because "i'm not doing it" wasn't an option. no wasn't an option. she liked to say yes to things. she liked to be open-minded, both with ideas and people.

i still remember what she was like. i still remember the way she used to sit outside on the grass with her friends for hours with her stupid digital camera filming away- it wasn't anything particularly thrilling, just talking and conversation and jokes and laughter. she always did laugh a lot more than me.

sometimes i wake up and i wonder why we bother. we live, we die. in between, we laugh and we cry and we get our hearts broken and we fall in love- we learn about fractions and trignometry and we learn how to move on when you've lost the most important thing in your life. we learn how to cope with pain and how to help a friend cope too. we learn that with ice cream and time, everything gets better. we're born, we go through each day to get to the next. then we die. why do we bother? what's the point?

i think if you asked her, she'd say it wasn't about the fact that we all died one day, because obviously we would. that wasn't the point. the point of life was to make something out of the days in between. the point was to live not to get to the next day, but simply to enjoy the now. the moment as it happened. not in retrospective.

somedays i wonder what is it that makes life all worth it.
"friends." she'd say. "and family, and school -all the boring stuff. and those stupid little things. ny fries every single day afterschool. sewing class with ms waterman and her epic stories. locker parties."

truth is, if i could go back and offer her some wisdom- i wouldn't.
instead, i think i'd ask her for some advice myself.

um so
i'm up at 3 thanks to derek playing neopets and talking about relationships

which got me thinking- if there were another version of you somewhere out there, in the opposite gender (or simply a clone of yourself, i guess, if you're gay) with the same personality and the same level of attractiveness as yourself, would you date them? don't consider the fact that you're dating someone exactly like yourself which might be, oh, i don't know, a little dull.
would you date yourself?

why, or why not?
i don't know, it's just something to think about.

i don't feel like in depth blogging these days, sorry.
things are upsetting me but i don't want to go into it.
just wanted to share that thought - makes you think about the kind of person you really are, haha.

if ANYBODY actually follows my twitter .. sorry for retweeting
(does it count if i write it once on twitter and once on xanga)